State House Anytime Now!

CHRISTOPHER GILL’S Peculiar Sense of Humour

Mr. President is in his Office early in the morning to beat the morning traffic jam in the capital before being swept away by private jet to yet another fantasy desert meeting in the Arab Kingdom. Orderly (his assistant) knocks the door and walks in before the President could say, come in...

 Orderly: Mr. President good morning Sir. Before you leave, Sir, it seems Bloomberg is following Seychelles Weekly and has reported oil is now $120 per barrel.

Mr. President ignores Orderly in a carefree gesture and gets out of his chair and immediately pulls out a black plastic bag and places it on the table.

Mr. President: This is the answer to OPEC's $120 per barrel oil sale Orderly, as he points at the black plastic bag.

Orderly: What is in the bag Mr. President?

Mr. President: Ah, Orderly this is my secret weapon which I have thought long and hard on how to best put it to use. I have thought of all the angles and the legal consequences of this secret weapon. It will solve all our problems once and for all. No need for a "Baton Mazik" Orderly, call Ministry of Environment off on that mission in the Sans Soucis forest behind my house. Remove the items from the bag Orderly.

Orderly: Yes Mr. President.

Orderly proceeds to remove the items one by one, Mr. President! Orderly exclaims, this is a Santa Claus Suit, a white beard, a red coat, red pants, black boots and snow spray? How will this solve our problems, Sir?

Mr. President: Orderly, stick by me and learn I will show you how politics is done. Never mind about the website and the email address. I don't have time for that little silly little machine. Make someone else answer the mail to the President. Silly, we never sent mail to our Public. We leave them alone until they get out of hand. Then we mail them bullets. It saves time and we don't waste valuable time on a bunch of Seychellois who think they are smart. This generation is over its head. Rastas want an island, Women want Husbands to be accountable, and school children have more ideas than our Central Committee does on how to run things. We will solve our problems the old fashion way. He grabs the suit and says: with Santa Claus you fool!

Orderly: Mr. President, Sir excuse me, Sir, I do not want to be rude Sir, but how on earth will we do that?

Mr. President: Ok Orderly, sit down now, its been a long time since we could have some tea together, drink, just make sure you're not drinking that Irish Whiskey (bad for your health) in your cup. Ok, now back to the suit Orderly.

Boss has been giving me a tough time lately. I want to cut off ties with him because he makes us look bad internationally, but I cannot. The red coat and red pants if Rene passes on... you never know these things....(Mr. President looks up to the new State House ceiling which cost Rupees 20 Million), I will give him the red coat and red pants to give him a proper sending off as a real comrade in the spirit of our true communist beliefs. It will destroy the Weekly's attempt to paint Boss to be a bad guy and we will make him pass for Santa Claus to all Seychellois in their memories. All the allegations of murders, disappearances and abuse of power, self enrichment, will disappear in that suit Orderly because the suit is "Magic" and it has Santa Claus Magic in it silly. We will outdo those Weekly guys-dogs once and for all and 'Zonm Lib will retain his place in Seychelles history forever and ever and ever! Understand Orderly? Do you see it happening?

Orderly: Yes Sir, of course Sir, but what about the white beard, Sir?

Mr. President: Ah Orderly, Rene himself has been giving me a lot of problems. Most recently, he has hijacked the National Assembly and had Mancham's appointment as Ambassador at Large dropped. I need Mancham. He is the only one person in the world who the Paris Club will listen to and the only person in the world who has any chance at the moment to give Seychelles a chance and seek successfully to achieve Debt Forgiveness from the Paris Club. Our Euro 490 Million Debt with the Paris Club is now worth $800 Million because of the drop in Dollar value. Chang-leng kept on telling me the Dollar was going to go up so I kept on selling my euros for dollars. I will fire him now. But we need to make our people poor, make them suffer, and then I planned on sending Mancham to negotiate Debt Forgiveness on our behalf once we were registered as a poor African country. Rene refused to have it and ordered that everyone will be fired from SPUP if the Mancham appointment goes through. But we need Mancham.

Orderly: You are sending the beard to Paris Sir?

Mr. President: No silly. The only other Ambassador fit for this missing is the man accredited to the . So we are going to put the Santa beard on him, trim it a little and spray him with snow flake spray and send him off in a borrowed jet straight to Paris. He will meet with the Paris Club, have a few drinks, and get our debt forgiven written off. We will not have to worry about the price of a barrel of oil hitting the $120 mark and we would have fooled those guys at Weekly again, silly, and taken the Western World for a fine Communist ride like Boss would be proud of. You too Orderly, you are a good Communist and you must be Proud!

Orderly: Sir do you think lanky can get our debt forgiven in Paris?

Mr. President: Look Orderly; Boss has bounced Mancham from the post. We have no choice. We must make a serious decision and we need results fast. The sea level is rising, we are sinking. Our Tankers are contracted out overseas, they do not come to Seychelles, and we do not see them or the money they earn. So they will not save us. The 148 Million Euro investment is gone Orderly, gone. We will never see that money again Orderly. We cannot rely on the Tankers to save us. That's $235 Million we could sell in Tanker equity and take that money and make our Rupee convertible, but we can't Orderly, we just cannot do that Orderly.

Orderly: Why not Mr. President - that sounds like a great idea?

Mr. President: Sometimes a man is faced with a question and he knows why he is President Orderly. BECAUSE, IF YOU SELL THE 5 TANKERS TO MAKE THE RUPEE FLOAT, SILLY ORDERLY, YOU WILL NOT HAVE A FLEET AND WE SAID WE WILL HAVE A FLEET, SO WE MUST HAVE A FLEET AND BE PROUD OF OUR SUCCESS ON THE HIGH SEAS EVEN WHILE OUR PEOPLE STARVE AT HOME AND SUFFER. (Mr. President calms down after raising his voice but it was not loud) Now, Orderly, you think you are so smart, that's what it means to be President, now be proud.

Orderly: Yes Sir, of course, now what about the black leather boots Sir?

Mr. President: That's for "Kill-en DO", he is making us look bad. He is stalking the Weekly Editor and doing car chases on the Reclaimed Land Highway which we have not paid for yet, and he can't even harvest sea cucumbers right. I have had enough of his left footed antics. We live in a modern world and those computer geeks at Weekly will have that boat on the internet in no time, all over the world. We can't afford to look bad anymore, too many questions. So I'm giving him the "Boots"!

I wore them last Christmas to lure Wavy into a Christmas Concert at State House for his present and it worked. This year, I have a bad feeling about things, so I am not waiting for any Christmas Pageant to get going. So I am giving "Kill- en DOES" the boots now, before he does further damage and leaves my Administration tarnished and looking like Boss's Government. We are not a Government of thugs Orderly, I resent that accusation... we are a Government of debtors....be Proud when I sign another Debt in your name.

Mr. President: Now get my borrowed jet and borrowed fuel consignment ready. Make sure you call Sky chef to have the lunch delivered for my trip.

Orderly: All confirmed Sir. Only Sky chef said they will provide the lunch.... but we must pay for the rice.

Mr. President: Ok... then call Social Security and tell them to pay for the rice.

SOS (Save Our Seychelles!)

May 2, 2008
Copyright 2007: Seychelles Weekly, Victoria, Mahe, Seychelles