Mr. President enters his office. Before he can have some tea his orderly PS rushes in.
Orderly: "Excuse me Mr. President; we have a crisis on our hands.”
Mr. President: "What has Rene done this time, he asks?
Orderly: "Ah!
1. the price of oil has reached $ 112.00 and will reach $ 120.00 likely according to Bloomberg by the end of the month;
2. our SEPEC fuel bill will reach $120Million this year, a shortfall of our Budget Indicators of $ 80 Million announced by Danny, which means Sir, Mr. President, we have to find the money to pay for this expense or turn off the lights in the evenings and shut offices down at 10.00am, taking advantage of our famous hard-earned Tea Breaks under 33 years of SPPF, Sir.
Mr. President: “Just approve some projects and get any one committed to do anything they want, except ordinary Seychellois citizens that don't support us. Business as usual, Orderly, and tell them they have to complete their projects in six months instead of three years, that dumb idea Rene came up with will never worked.”
Orderly: “Mr. President, we also have a complaint from Commander of Defense Forces. It seems the Soldiers were left out of the Budget for 2008 and while the Minister of Defense Forces received a salary increase of 34%, plus a lifetime retirement (that's you Mr. President), the Soldiers received nothing and they are grumbling. They want Rene back!”
Mr. President: “Tell them I have a heart for all Seychellois and to soldier on. Promise them I will make
Also, call the Chinese Embassy and make sure our red umbrellas are on the way. Make sure they are consigned to PPO (President's Private Office) so you can avoid 12% GST on them. I got that idea from "Pas Par 2". While you are smarting up the Ambassador, see what is causing the hold-up on the money for the Chinese Base in the Indian Ocean. Tell them we have taken care of the prawns and managed to kill almost all of them and they will have no opposition when landing on the
I hate mentioning his name. I wish he would just leave... go pick some mangoes in Australia or re-purchase the sheep farm he sold and start making wool sweaters for the rest of his life.”
Orderly: “Yes Mr. President. Also Mr. President, we are short on rice today as well as onions and baby’s milk. Our "Little Trezor" are loosing 1 kilo a day each on average as reported by MISD.
Mr. President: “Yes of course. Call The National Assembly to run some Motions on that, demand that SMB or STB continue to try to guarantee the continued uninterrupted supply of rice, onions, baby’s milk...add garlic too. Make sure Nation does a front page and “Izola Bozo” does a front page in color with Carnation Milk and S-26 also - blame Adam Moosa or Teemooljee for the shortage. Accuse them for importing hardware, throw in the word "Gonaz" somewhere to confuse the Public, it will buy us more time.”
Orderly: “Mr. President, I forgot to mention "Printook" called and said they are out of color for outside contracts and need foreign exchange to import the same, Sir.....and Sir, Adam Moosa is a hardware store. Carnation has asked that we stop using pictures of their product since we have not paid them for the last 25 containers of milk.”
Mr. President: “Call Central Bank, organize the money for the ink, I don't want to speak to him, tell him I said so.”
Orderly: “I did that Mr. President, the phone at the Central Bank has been disconnected for non-payment according to a computer recording.”
Mr. President: “Switch to Airtel.”
Orderly: “We have switched to Airtel for most of our offices already Mr. President.
Sir, I believe we are running out of options Sir, perhaps it would be a good time to call Wavy to ask for a meeting, and we can make him look silly and the people will forget about us and the problems we face as a Nation, he needs to take part of the blame, in fifteen years in the National Assembly, he is yet to come up with one good idea.”
Mr. President: “Yes of course, call Wavy. Rene told me to make these meetings long- 2 hours at least. We must keep him here as long as possible. Tell him he is meeting us as Leader of the Opposition not Leader of SNP, that will get his people off his back and we can get it on.”
Orderly: “Mr. President, I believe Sir, the Leader of The Opposition is a constitutional post recognized only in the Precinct of the National Assembly. For a Leader of Opposition to be in private meetings with the President, regularly, is a gross violation of the Principle of Separation of Powers. Furthermore Sir, Mr. President, the equal counterpart of the Leader of the Opposition is in fact the Leader of Government Business who is on our side and not yourself Sir. In addition, Sir, we have an Executive form of Government and not a Parliamentary form of Government, which is fashioned after the
Mr. President: “Never mind about the details. Too complicated. We are a simple People. When we took the Country on the morning of June 5th 1977, we did it with less then 12 men. By the time we had breakfast, word was out that it was 500 men. Details, details, details, are irrelevant my friend. This is the real world. Think Big! Wavy will never bring this slight detail up to be discussed. Besides, he is making too much money now to complain about anything, unless we tell him to complain.”
Orderly: “Mr. President the Central Bank called from a pay phone, the Rupee is now 20.00 to 1.0 Euro.”
Mr. President: “Call Cable and Wireless and suspend their public pay phone concession. That will solve that problem. Incorporate another phone company and start issuing it concessions for public pay phones, but no fix lines. Make sure the lines are bugged and monitored, since I cannot get a hold of those DP dogs in conversation.”
Orderly: “Yes Sir. One last matter Mr. President. Local Artist are complaining about their CD's not selling and when they do sell, the money is worthless. They cannot buy anything with their Rupees and they say they feel as if their talent is being wasted and not being sufficiently appreciated.”
Mr. President: “Right. Tell them to make a CD of all the patriotic songs; we will call for an Evening Gala at the Conference Centre. Call PUC; make sure the electricity is on for that part of town that night. Cut electricity at La Misere and
Times are tough. But don't tell DOOBI that (they have been with us since the start; tell them it is in line with good Governance). Call Des, get the red cape. Make it happen. Remind Joe to be there. We need him on his toes, in his chair.
When the Opposition start talking about our failures, we will not stand a chance replying to them since it is true we have failed... just play the CD's. This will be a key step to keeping us in power and subduing the Army in spite of not giving them a raise. They will listen to the music and forget about the good old days under Rene, when their babies had milk.
Ah, perfect, add a CD to each batch of umbrellas for the Soldiers. Make a card in gold, get a stamp with my name on it, stamp the card and send it to each Soldier.”
Orderly: “Mr. President, Printook is out of ink for outside contracts again.”
SAVE OUR