The Cuban Connection
The President has been surprised by a 'present' that recently made it to his desk via the diplomatic bag. He is not amused as this is another embarrassing incident that the guys at Weekly might make a meal of. So careful disposal of the package is the order of the day and needs to be conducted in the most hush-hush manner.
President: Hi Orderly, I am glad to see that you are an early riser like me today. This new brand of Irish whiskey seems to be doing you good. I just received a parcel addressed to the old boss. I do not want to see this Pandora's Box in my sight anymore.
He hands over the box wrapped in satin red paper which he had opened by mistake before reading on the tag that it was addressed to boss. A box of vintage collection, prized fat Cubanos cigars. The tag was signed 'Comrade Fidel'
Orderly: Sir, Mr. President, but Commandante Castro seems to have forgotten that you are our new President and the old boss is no longer running the show. Or is he?
President: This stupid Cuban Santa Claus has been senile since he was hospitalized. So don't be vindictive Orderly. I had asked Danny to send a press release to that effect but he has been too busy and overwhelmed by the budget. Please Orderly, can you have this delivered to Anse Polite as I do not want to be associated with any huffing' & puffin'. I DO NOT WANT ANYMORE CIGARS IN MY STATE HOUSE!
Orderly: Yes Sir, Mr. President. The driver is on the way with the dispatch. There is a saying that 'there is no smoke without fire'. Let's ban smoking throughout State House and put out all the fires once and for all.
President: Brilliant! Bring me another cup of coffee… and I much prefer the brand from the People's supermarket as the one from Supa Save is too weak. They tell me there is no milk again. I'll try the new coffee creamer then.
Orderly: Sir, just for your information, Marylou spent four years in Cuba studying for her political science degree she never got. But, she learnt a thing or two when she was out there. She managed to make four rolls of toilet tissue last for the duration of her course. This skill can come in handy over here too, Sir! Especially now that we are having shortages of everything... in our shops.
President: Orderly, please! There are never any shortages, Marylou told you the other day that our people have too much money in their pockets; they buy everything in sight and keep queuing for more, exactly like in Cuba.
Orderly: Mr. President, talking of the Cubans, they have made good progress since Castro handed power to his brother. Their people can now have their own mobile phones to communicate. But is seems that their 'Leaders Maximo' are not as clever as we are. They still do not have their own version of Airtel, Intelvision and the likes…
President: They do not need all these 'televizyon par grap', 'websides' and all these 'teknolozi'. Castro has perfected the art of communication. This is why his revolution is still going strong and Cuba does not have these problems that we have on our hands.
Orderly: Perhaps we need to seek some advice from those Comrades Mr. President! And how has our buddy Fidel been able to achieve this communication master stroke??
President: This is what I have been telling you all along Orderly. This idea of a 'website' is not good. We will soon be flooded with 'zemails' that we will not be able to reply to. Fidel used to communicate through smoke signals. This is the best method. You send the messages and you do not need any replies. He would use those fat cigars to create all the smoke.
Orderly: So we need to keep the gift box that he has sent for old boss then. At least it is free and we do not have to spend precious forex. By the way Sir, the recount is over in Zimbabwe and Mugabe is now cornered. He has been in touch and we might expect him to land anytime soon. He wants us to return the favour he granted old boss two decades ago, when he lent him his private jet so that he could be back to quell the army rebellion.
President: Ahh!! This old rascal with his 'Hitler' moustache! He is history man. He should have consulted us. He is so dumb. He is running a landlocked country and he tells the Chinese to send arms and ammunition by ship! Boss handled the 'Malo' case brilliantly. He should have taken a page from his book…
Orderly: Not to worry Sir. I have a plan on how we can save ourselves the embarrassment of Mugabe. We did take some flack when old boss gave safe passage to Ratsiraka but got some much needed forex from the guy. With Mugabe, he will have to take one additional plane to bring along the Zim dollars. But we have done a deal with IDC to allow him to use his self eject seat when he is over the Amirantes so that he can parachute and land over one of our islands and he can then take refuge there as a castaway.
President: Great stuff Orderly! Some papers have been referring to Zimbabwe as the 'bread basket of Africa'. Call him before he takes the plane and make a deal. We have yet to find a solution to our food shortages and perhaps this would be the light at the end of the tunnel…
Orderly: Yes, Sir. I have already tried but all the lines at Harare State House are down due to non payment of bills. But will try the smoke signal trick and with the south east monsoon already in, he will get the message in good time…
Orderly begs his leave as he is itching for another shot of the mouthwash…
SOS (Save Our Seychelles!)