While on his morning walk, President Albert Rene keels over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.
So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I studied to become a priest, I'm a believer,' says the Pres.
“I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.”
“But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” replies Rene. “I'm sorry … But we have our rules,” Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down… all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.
The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22 degrees centigrade. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it are hundreds of other Socialist luminaries and opportunists who had helped him out over the years. Pti Claude, Guy Sinon, Freaky, St Jorre, Philip D'Offay, Philibert Loiseau, etc. All the alter egos of the SPPF Party leaders, and those near deaths door like Castro, and those already dead like Kim Il Sung, were there too … Everyone joking, laughing happily, casually but expensively dressed.
They ran to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants and Bann Couyon'
They play a friendly game of Domino and then dine on Turtle meat, Lobster and Marswen. The Devil himself comes up to Rene with a frosty drink, “Have a tequila and relax, Al”. He said.
“Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge,” said Rene dejectedly. “My blood is not up to scratch, even after the transfusions…”
“This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!” The Devil told him.
Rene takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the SPPF Party pulled with the Seychelles Constitution, Education, Immigration, Mukesh's Desalination and Prawn farming, Land for 1 Rupee, Tough on Crime and Escobars, No Devaluation, No price rises, Housing for all, promises…
They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Rene steps into the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven, again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. “Now it's time to visit Heaven,” Peter said, opening the gate for him to come in.
So for 24 hours Rene is made to hang out with a bunch of hones, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy Australian farms, Malaysian retreats and Island hideaways here and, while the food tastes great, it's not Marswen, Turtle or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!
“Whoa”, he says uncomfortably to himself. My socialist friends never prepared me for this!'
The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, “Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity…”
With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Rene reflects for a minute… Then answers: “Well, I would never have thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven had been delightful and all but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.”
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.
He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Rene and puts an arm around his shoulder. “I don't understand”, stammers a shocked Rene, “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate Turtle and Marswen and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!”
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, “Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!”
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.”
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?”
The man replied, “Long ago, a man died here, and was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”